All hail to the lord mayor
Co-chair with the cleric cuz he's a team player
Never yammer at the battle master planner
Best get out the way when Gankum brings the Banhammer
His life's a mystery, past's a blank
But your knees turn to jelly when you hear the heavy plate clank
Fastball special any door in the dungeon
Slicken the floor when the sword gets lungin'
Made Phandalin, turned the town around for real
Made bank, always lookin for a gooder deal
And what a steal! Last minute election speech
Won the crowd's renown 'til the walls were breached
Dark dreams in the midnight hours
Warnings of disaster from unknown powers
Charge in, crack ribs like a wrecking bar
Backroom deals with Castilian Escobar
Can't react when he busts in, gets the drop
Surprise round, smash 'em up like Barthen's shop
And his door and his wares and his window panes
And his milk and dignity and mayoral campaigns
Your ass is marked in his list of names
He'll never stop 'til his foes bow down in chains

Conduct the ritual, slaughter the scapegoat
You'd have to be nuts to dare to bleed on the waistcoat
That girds the body of the half-elf Teias
Not just a pretty face, his mace'll put you through your paces
Born of two races in unknown quarters
Born to channel horrible reality-distorters
Mad gods beckon from the centre of time
Whispers in his mind, twisted like a dart in the spine
Judge jury and hangman, casting blame
Passion burns within like a Sacred Flame
His Thaumaturgy's positively Gothic
Never bats a blackened eye when he's slaughtering a Nothic
Yet only love for his half-orc son Darude
He found family in this crossbow-wielding dude
Renowned and feared all across the land
His spiritual weapon is a buff man
Made of cobblestones whose hands hands turn into tentacles
Here comes Hamfist to rip apart your skeletals
And at Phandalin's fall, thought he lost it all
Yet he rose again like a haunted doll
From the deep despair of the darkest hour
To overpowering heights in the Ivory Tower

Last but not least, Snake Lee, monk with a past
He's got fists to split lips and he's swingin' 'em fast
Honed at the Monastery of Chan Cheng
Boy's got multi-attack, pack charge like a banteng
Left Waterdeep seeking new directives
Setting up shop playing private detective
Cuz if you got a problem, yo he'll solve it
Check the right hook as my d6 resolves it
Then roll another and another as another buckles
Pummel motherfuckers with machine gun stutter knuckles
Uppercuttin' suckers in a moment of time
Knock back foes like a bottle of wine
Teach you a lesson when he's kickin' out your knee joints
Try to pay attention, gon' be hittin on some ki points
Try to swing your sword but his fists are faster
Leave you staggering, even though HE'S the Drunken Master
Lick shots while the kobolds are taking their licks
Three cold while you're counting to six
Critical hits, fortune turns like a goblin's neck
Overconfident foes can't cash those cheques
He'll clear the room with a roundhouse kick
Then head back to the Inn for a round of drinks

Above it all the DM bring the goods like Barthen
Brewing heady shit like goat's milk hid in secret compartments
Supplying kobolds just begging to be erased
And every lady elf is begging for a piece of Teias
And everybody knows that Gankum runs the place
And Snake Lee has the Stonehill adultery case
And who weaves these webs like such intricate lace
From the shadows of DM screen's dark embrace
Table Lord, making dice rolls sub rosa
For the Winklebottom Brothers and Langdedrosa
Glasstaff, Harbin Wester, and Sildar
Toblin and Klarg and Castilian Escobar
The orcish gang that soon fell to floor
And the whispering key to the mystery door
(Ash nazg durbatulûk...)
Boar hunts in viridian woods
To half-dragon cultists in menacing hoods
From nights at the pub, in cheerful calm
To the gruesome horror of the limbless mom
And as we clash in wrath against dragon scales
He leads us down The Path on a Tale of Tales
And as battle joins, though you turn the screws
Lead on, DM, for the adventure continues